


One Grain Of Sand

by JamieMac26



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5657632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamieMac26/pseuds/JamieMac26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based upon the song 'One Grain of Sand' by Ron Pope</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Grain Of Sand

Annaleigh glanced over at Spencer. He was on the phone. His fingers were tapping a pencil against the desk. She wondered who he was talking to. Was it work related? Was it personal? Was it a girl? She had suspected for several weeks now that he had moved on from her, that he had someone else in his life. It seemed like no matter how much she gave to him, it was never enough. He always seemed to be looking beyond her, trying to find the next best thing.

**I don’t wanna hold you if you wanna go**

**And I’m not gonna make you feel love if you don’t**

**I would rather learn what it feels like to burn than feel nothing at all**

She put her head back down and busied herself with the paperwork that lay before her. She felt his eyes on her, but she refused to look up. Why did she constantly continue to torture herself by hoping and wishing that he felt the same way, that he’d ever felt the same way.

“Annaleigh,” She heard her name and glanced up. Spencer stood above her, his bag slung over his shoulder. “I’ve got a couple errands to run; I’ll see you back home.”

He turned around and disappeared through the doors before she even had a chance to respond. She rolled her eyes and continued on with her work. She had gone through her files already but had no intention of going back the apartment, not right now, not while it was empty.

She was exhausted and she was tired of wondering, of fighting off the lingering panic that threatened to boil over if she let her guard down. She glared at the pen in her hand, reeling it back and hurling it across the room.

She screamed as it fell to the ground with a dull thud. A single tear slid down her cheek and she didn’t even bother to swipe it away. She stood, pushing violently against her chair. It scooted away from her, crashing into the desk behind her. She didn’t bother moving it back to her desk. She grabbed her coat, her bag and her purse and stormed out of the office.

**Oh, I used to treat you sweetly**

**I would pull you to my chest as you cried about the ocean slipping quickly through your hands**

**You were searching for one grain of sand along an endless beach**

**As I was building you a castle that you just refused to see**

She walked down the street. The tears had started to fall, some distance back, and she had quit trying to fight it. She had a choice to make, she could either leave him or she could just deal with the feeling of loneliness, but she’d still have him in her life. She loved him. Oh god, did she love him and she couldn’t imagine her life without him but was she really strong enough to hang on.

She had no idea how long she had been wandering around the streets of the dark city but her phone started to vibrate in her pocket. She fumbled for it, managing to pull it out as the call transferred to voice mail. She pulled up the call log before stuffing it back its warm home. She didn’t want to talk to Spencer right now. She didn’t want to explain to him where she was and why. She just wanted to wallow in her misery, just for now.

The phone rang again and she ignored it.

The phone rang again and she ignored it.

The phone rang once more and she angrily pulled it back out.

“What?” She snapped at him.

“Ummm…I was just wondering where you were? I tried the BAU but you didn’t answer. Are you okay?” The concern in his voice began to soften her a bit.

“I’m fine Spencer. I’m just taking a walk. I needed to clear my head.” She sighed, the tears dotting the screen.

“Are you sure? You’ve been a bit off lately.”

She sniffed, louder than she meant to, “I’m really okay.”

“Are you crying? Annaleigh, where are you? I’m coming to pick you up.” She could hear the rattle of keys in the background.

“I’m not that far from the apartment. I will be home in a little bit. Spencer…I um…there is something I wanted to ask you,” She tripped over her words.

There was silence on the other end and Annaleigh’s panic pushed closer to the surface. “Spencer?”

“Can you just ask me later? I have an urgent matter I have to take care of. Um…I have to go.” He quickly hung up the phone, leaving a deafening quiet.

**What do I say? What do I do?**

**To show all the ways my heart is slowly shattering for you**

**What do I say? What do I do?**

 

Annaleigh entered the darkened apartment. She didn’t bother turning on the lights. The darkness felt comforting, enveloping her in the sadness that she felt. She tossed her keys on the table and her bag on the chair near the door. She kicked off her shoes and padded her way into the small, cozy kitchen. She opened the fridge, bathing the room in an ambient light. She reached in and pulled out a cold bottle of beer. She didn’t drink often but she felt that tonight, tonight was a good night to change that. She popped the top off and moved into the living room, flopping down onto the worn sofa.

A buzzing noise broke through the stillness. She glanced around and at first she didn’t see anything but as her eyes continued to adjust to the darkness they spotted a small silver of light near the front door. She pushed herself off the couch and bent over to pick up the outdated cellphone. He really did need to upgrade this thing. She pushed a button, making the screen light up. She read the message that was displayed on the screen, her panic pushing against her heart as it beat wildly in her chest.

“Spencer…I’ve got what you need. Meet me tomorrow at 7, you know the place.”

It was listed as Danni, with an i, in his contacts and Annaleigh scrunched up her nose. She grabbed the bridge, pinching slightly to squelch the impending tears. She closed her eyes and stood, stood in the middle of the dark room. She couldn’t move. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to move. What if she was dreaming? What if she was to just wake up and he’d be in her arms again? She just wanted him to hold her like he used to. One droplet, two droplets, three droplets, dripped down onto her hand.

**What do I say? What do I do?**

**To show all the ways my heart is slowly shattering for you**

**What do I say? What do I do?**

She was curled up in a ball on the floor, his phone still clenched in her fist, when he re-entered the apartment, flipping on the lights. He rushed over to her. “Annaleigh,” The concern he felt, flowed out with her name.

**What do I say? What do I do?**

**To show all the ways my heart is slowly shattering for you**

**What do I say? What do I do?**

**I don’t wanna hold you if you wanna go**

**And I’m not gonna make you feel love if you don’t**

**I would rather learn what it feels like to burn than to feel nothing at all**

She opened her eyes and looked up at him. Her green eyes bore a great sadness, one in which he didn’t like. He reached for her but she pulled away from him. She rolled over, her back to him. He jumped over her, taking her in his arms and pulling her into his lap.

“Baby, what was it you wanted to ask me?” He put his hand under her chin, tilting her head up so that she was looking at him.

“Nothing,” Her voice was quiet, too quiet.

“No, tell me…” The object in her hand started to buzz again and Spencer’s eyes widened in horror. It must have fallen from his pocket in his haste to leave earlier. She must have seen something, read something, on that horrid device. He reached for but she moved her hand away.

“Who is she Spencer?” He almost didn’t hear the question, his heartbeat pulsating in his eardrums.

“What?” He stopped fighting for the phone.

“Who is she Spencer?” The words dripped with disdain.

**You have faded my reality like leaves that turn to dust**

**Fell asleep inside a fantasy and woke up feeling lost**

**Now I’m terrified and restless but I just cannot escape**

**I wish you had words to cool this fever that is killing me**

“Annaleigh, it isn’t what you think?” He racked his brain, desperately trying to think of a reason to give her, any reason.

She placed her hands on his chest and pushed, getting her feet underneath her and standing. She glanced down at him, she looked tired. “Spencer, it doesn’t really matter.” She turned away from him. She heard him clamor to his feet. She felt his arms wrap around her. She wasn’t sure what to make of the mess that they had found themselves in but for the briefest of moments, he was hers and she allowed his warmth to ease her discomfort.

“What did you want to ask me?” His voice was a whisper in her ear but she knew the answer to her question, she didn’t need him to say the words.

She just shook her head.

She turned in his arms. She reached up and encircled her arms around his neck, locking her fingers together. She stood on her tiptoes and softly kissed his full lips. They tasted like the mint he had obviously just eaten. He may be gone in spirit, but he wasn’t gone physically, not yet, and she was going to hang onto that. She forced a small smile. “I’m going to go to bed, you coming?”

She let go, her hand brushing against his chest as she eased past him.

**What do I say? What do I do?**

**To show you all the ways my heart is slowly shattering for you**

**What do I say? What do I do?**

**I don’t wanna hold you if you wanna go**

**And I’m not gonna make you feel love if you don’t**

**I would rather learn what it feels like to burn than feel nothing at all**

She loved him. As long as he let her hold on, she would keep holding on tight. She knew eventually he’d walk away from her. She knew eventually she would no longer be able to call him hers, but for now, for now she was going to stop feeling and was just going to be in the moment. It’s all she could do. She didn’t want to hurt anymore but she didn’t want to be numb. She loved him.

**I don’t wanna hold you if you wanna go**

**And I’m not gonna make you feel love if you don’t**

**I would rather learn what it feels like to burn than feel nothing at all.**


End file.
